The other side of the wall

Semel, Zachary Andrew (2023) The other side of the wall. Masters thesis, Northern Arizona University.

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Abstract

My project’s titular essay describes the day of and the months after I was present at the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing. This essay uses the form of Progressive Counting therapy: lengthening, reaching the ’center’ of the posttraumatic conflict, then progressively shortening again. Such a form demands that: (1) the reader sit with the ‘most uncomfortable content’ for the longest time; (2) the reader recognize that the traumatic event is not the part of my story they should be most interested. I sought to curate that unpredictable, fluctuating experience across my book, which outlines other traumas I’ve experienced since the Marathon Bombing — and describes how I survive in spite of mental illness. I use my focus on ‘posttraumatic periphery’ to highlight how mental illness affects my engagement with work, school, and relationships. In addition to the standard fragmented forms utilized by poets who influenced this book through their own ‘trauma writing’ — such as jody chan, Danez Smith, and C. Russell Price — the book also takes after Carmen Maria Machado’s In the Dream House and Sarah Manguso’s fragmented memoir structures. The slashes throughout the book further segment the narrative, depicting posttraumatic memory and identity, as well as invoking the re-assembly of self that was central to my writing process. I see this book as an exploration of (self-) knowledge that — both a defining of my own personal knowledge via pieces like the “PTSD Diagnostic Criterion” series, and an acknowledgment of the varied personal and readerly relationships that have helped me develop the self-awareness to survive PTSD. Beyond just actual acquaintances, the book includes quotes from trauma psychologists; other writers interested in trauma and mental illness; and Kendrick Lamar, whose music frequently examines posttraumatic shame/guilt, (hyper-)masculinity, mental illness, and drug abuse. How do video games and television imbue me with self-knowledge? How does someone with PTSD care for themselves/others, and allow themselves to be cared for? What does a severely-mentally-ill person need in a country that fundamentally misunderstands them? What do their loved ones need? These concerns take after the poet Kayleb Rae Candrilli, who often centers love/community as means of navigating crises.

Item Type:	Thesis (Masters)
Publisher’s Statement:	© Copyright is held by the author. Digital access to this material is made possible by the Cline Library, Northern Arizona University. Further transmission, reproduction or presentation of protected items is prohibited except with permission of the author.
Keywords:	PTSD; Mental health; Boston Marathon bombing;
Subjects:	P Language and Literature > PE English
NAU Depositing Author Academic Status:	Student
Department/Unit:	Graduate College > Theses and Dissertations College of Arts and Letters > English
Date Deposited:	16 Oct 2025 16:39
Last Modified:	16 Oct 2025 16:39
URI:	https://openknowledge.nau.edu/id/eprint/6210

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